My “No Hate Holiday” bodyheart Challenge

I just took on a super big
super scary
super holy-oh-my-gosh terrifying challenge.

It’s one I’m trying hard to be playful about,
but I kid you not,
I’m scared out of my mind!

When I told e/S about it on the phone the other night,
she was excited.
She said: “This is great.
This is going to be sooo good for you.
You have needed to overcome this fear for such a long time.”

The catalyst that finally pushed me to take the challenge on
was a text I received last week from a sweet musician friend of mine.
I haven’t seen him in months
and out of the blue he messaged just a <3 … meaning: love.

I playfully texted a message back that jokingly said:
“why ya gotta be so in love with me?”
[wink + smiley-face]

And without pause he texted back:
“Because you’re so awesome and beautiful.”
And then:
“What’s not to love?”

And without even thinking about it,
I texted back some compliment-deflecting answer
about: “apparently plenty” … blah, blah, blah.

And right after we finished messaging,
I felt such a pain in my heart.
I thought: “Why did I just do that?”
“Why do I ALWAYS do that?”
My adorable friend took a moment out of his day
to message me with no other purpose
than to simply shower a little love on me.

… And I deflected it!!

And I realized it wasn’t because he said I was awesome.
I am comfortable with people complimenting
my personality and my character.
Because I believe those compliments.
As a friend and a person, I know the depth of my worth.

The real reason I flinched at his text
is because he said I am beautiful.

And there it is … again!
That damn wolf of insecurity that tries to eat me alive
each and every day.
It has been trying to do so for years and years and years.

I can’t remember a time in my life
when I wasn’t in the throes of battle with that beast.
In any and every situation where my beauty or body can possibly be evaluated
(positive or negative)
I respond in the exact same way I responded to that text.
Deflect. Dodge. Cower. Run. Hide.

So I just sat still with it all for a minute,
looking at my friend’s sweet message and that snarling wolf sitting side by side.
I thought about all of the ways
my relentless beauty insecurity syphons joy out of my life.
All of the things I miss out on.
And all of ways I hold myself back because of it.
And how annoying and sad it is for people who love me
that I can never seem to see myself the way they see me.

I  live in Florida but refuse to be seen in public in a bathing suit.
One better (or worse): I have never had larger than a size 6 body,
yet have deemed my body “not bikini worthy” my entire life (I’ve never worn one).
I go nowhere and allow no one (other than my daughter)
to see me unless I have on at least a little bit of makeup.
And my crazed, nearly phobic-level aversion to having my photo taken
is the bane of all of my friendships.

And I thought:
I am about to turn 39 years old next month.
It’s now or never.
I have been letting this insecurity limit my world long enough.
It’s time to DO something about it.

And so, a series of serendipitous emails and messages opened up an opportunity
for me to put a Face-Your-Fears Birthday Challenge in place.
(And I am sooo hoping you’ll come along for the ride!)

Here is the challenge:
I was recently invited to contribute my “On My Not Hot” post
to an ongoing series of body image-related stories
being featured to support the national bodyheart campaign.

For those who don’t know about it:
bodyheart is an organization that runs workshops and programs
that “liberate women from their body-image punishment prisons”.
I am flattered beyond belief to be asked to be a part their powerful message.
Contributing my writing though, is the easy part!

The terror part, is that participating means
I have to submit a black&white entirely un-retouched photo
of myself with a heart drawn on me somewhere showing off
a favorite part of my body.

The bodyheart photos are not provocative in any way.
They are sweet, and spirited, and beautiful.
But the thought of taking one,
and voluntarily putting myself in front of a camera
knowing no-Photoshopping or image altering is allowed,
makes me so scared and sick to my stomach
that I was actually physically shaking while on the phone telling e/S about it.

In front of a camera! … [say what?!]
On purpose! … [say whaaaa?!]
[Uhm: freak out … freak out … freak out!!]
lol.

But if something scares me this badly
then I have to do it. Right?
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
This is what Eleanor Roosevelt said.

And so, the challenge is on!
I’ve been in touch with Amber Krzys at bodyheart
and I am now slated to be one of the enthusiastic supporters of her amazing campaign.

And the challenge I’ve set for myself is this:

I have seven weeks until my birthday (Jan 21).
In the time between now and then
I am going to commit to truly loving my body.

Being kind to it. Taking care of it.
Earning its trust back!!
(Because I’ve neglected it horribly.)
Exercising it … with love.
Feeding it well. Giving it time to play.
And letting it rest.

And here is the added challenge:
No body hate!
I am declaring a “No Hate Holiday” for the holidays.
For the next seven weeks,
I am not allowed to tell myself that
I’m fat or ugly or too wrinkled or any other such meanness.

If I catch myself falling into negative self-talk
I have to immediately stop myself, reverse it
and state something about my physical appearance that I truly love.

And if someone makes a positive comment related to my looks:
no deflecting.
All I’m allowed to do is say “thank you”
and graciously absorb the compliment.

During the seven week challenge I will NOT be engaging in any
“kick your ass into shape fast” programs or activities of any type.
The point of this challenge is to learn to love my body
not spend seven weeks focused on all of the ways it needs to change.

I will be spending my seven weeks learning what I can
about what does and does not work for my body.
What rhythms and patterns it prefers.
Which foods fuel me up and which run me down.
It’s going to be a time of self-care, not harsh critique or correction.

Seven weeks
No hate.
Only body love.

At the end of the seven weeks,
Wherever I am :: is where I am.
I take the bodyheart photo no matter what.

The super supportive and crazy talented
team at Murder City Media have agreed to shoot the image for me.
The shoot is scheduled for my actual birthday: January 21.
My Gladly Beyond gift to myself.

So, that’s it.
I’ll be blogging about the challenge as I go.
And I invite you to take the challenge with me.
If not to photograph your own bodyheart image (ladies)
Then at least to celebrate a “No Hate Holiday” of your own.

Cheers To Facing Down Our Fears!!
Leave me a message if you’d like to cheer me on or come along!

{p.s. thank you for that sweet <3 “so awesome and beautiful” text message, Mendel! xo}