Secrets and Silence

by Cris Gladly on May 1, 2013

image by: unknown

Want to know when it’s awesome to have a blog?
When you are scared and uncertain
and searching outside yourself for answers,
and as a result, both your words and your soul
just keep pouring out of you.

Then it isn’t easy, per se,
but at least when you sit down to write, words come.

Steadily.
Onto the page.
Lovingly edited yet minimally filtered.

Want to know when it’s not so awesome to have a blog?
When something in you suddenly shifts.
When after months and months (and months) of trying to get somewhere
you suddenly (finally) turn a corner.

And all at once,
the soul in you that wanted to share everything
no longer wants to share anything.

And the spirit that sought council and guidance from others
suddenly wants to be left alone
to figure things out for herself.

And when that shift comes
the way you were is just … gone.

And the way you are now … just is.

And it takes your words awhile to catch up
and figure out: what the f*ck just happened?

original image by Alec Dawson: modified

And so months go by,
and you write absolutely nothing.

And more months go by,
and you discover the delicious pleasure of having secrets
so you stop telling people about yourself.

And more months go by,
and you go from being the most open book alive
to the girl that no one knows a thing about.

And in that time, when your words just … stop,
you take a break and simply live life for awhile.

And as you do, your beloved blog grows cobwebs.

It has been 7 months
since I’ve written here in my green sky.

In the time that I’ve been away,
Life has been happening …
intensely.

Good things, scary things — in equal measure.

But I just haven’t been able to talk about any of it.
Because my voice has been changing
and my perspective has been changing.

And I wasn’t sure how to navigate that shift publicly.

photo by Oprisco

Because … I am a writer.

And putting words on paper is how I build bridges in the world:
between me and everything I love;
between me and everything I fear;
between me and everything I’m so earnestly trying to understand.

And hopefully, on days
when I’m particularly good at putting the words together,
my bridges become your bridges, as well.

So, returning to the page had to happen.

But how I return to the page needs to change.

Everything I wrote about before was inward and ethereal.
I talked about what I was going to do … without actually doing it.
I talked about how I wanted to live … without actually living it.

In a phrase: I mistook ‘not falling for ‘flying’,
and the two are not even close to the same.

In that time when I felt so outside myself,
I was endlessly scrambling to find my way in.
And my writing was all about that.

Now that I’m in, solid and grounded,
my gaze has turned outward to look at the world around me again.

image by: unknown

And what I see before me
happening in the world
has caused the words in me to rise up
and long to spill forth again.

I see amazing beauty and kindness that I want to lift up to the light.
And I see unspeakable suffering and cruelty that I want to smash my fist through.

For the longest time, I’ll admit, my words were a thing I hid behind,
but now, I am ready to stand squarely and firmly in front of them.

And so, it is good to be home again
here on my blog,

but I’m opening the doors and windows
and letting fresh breezes blow new air inside.

I’m rearranging the proverbial furniture.

This blog will, hopefully, still feel the same.
(open. honest. true.)
But it likely will not sound the same.

There is much to reflect on … AND take action on.
And so, from that vantage point, this blog once again begins.

image by: Violet D’Art

Until now, I was only willing to put my words out here.
Now it’s time to truly share mySelf.

What I feel. What I think. What I believe.
And, what I stand for.

And so, with that, I herby launch the next chapter of Gladly Beyond.

I’m so very glad to have you along as part of the journey!!!

xo!

p.s. How about YOU?
Have you ever needed to power down completely in order to power back up and let new aspects of yourself shine? Leave me a comment below. I’d love to hear how you handled that.

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Kathleen Prophet May 1, 2013 at 3:39 am

What a gift to greet you here, my dear friend, Cris. Your beauty dances exquisitely on this page through these wee black and whites. I feel in the presence of YOU… the one I have known… and the one dynamically unfolding unto herself.

Yes! yes… I have been in my own waning cycle after such a thrust of my work and myself into the world last year. The stasis/gestation has been going on for sometime… 4 months now, with only a very few blog posts to share with my loves what is going on with me. The growth and shift for me as well has been monumental, and now I see the necessity to retreat into the dark so that that which was unknown could reveal itself in its own time and way.

We are a wonder… as much to ourselves as to each other. May we forever respect and bow to the cycles that pull us in while its sacred re-creation of self can occur.
So much love and delight in looking forward to this new chapter of Gladly Beyond! xoxo

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 3:42 am

Kathleen!!! Thank you for showing up here to welcome me back … as I welcome myself back! :) You and I have had parallel periods of incubation and complete restructuring. I’ve learned much about having patience in such times from YOU! Thank you, my friend! :) xo

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Solodad Maria May 1, 2013 at 3:52 am

Blessings sister for the path of being,……….. feminine Divine and sacred woman……………..
Retreating into my inner sanctuary and freeing the wounds and grief of the woman who has been here through centuries of mistaken identity and silence……………
Finding voice again and strength in the physical world and maintaining the levels of wisdom and timeless gifts that are my own message of who we are amidst the continual shifting of our Mother Earth and the need to recognise her as a woman , cyclical and powerful.
May our abundant nature rise through the deep knowing of ourselves and allow the blessings to be acknowledged as our gift of womanhood , healer, shaman and timeless soul………..
Namaste

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:05 pm

Hi, Solodad! Welcome to Gladly Beyond. I so appreciate you taking the time to comment here. I think it’s a powerful time of both women and men rising into new understanding of who we are and how we can more fully ‘be’ in this world. Exciting times!! xo

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DawnV May 1, 2013 at 4:45 am

Beautiful words, as always… SO nice to hear your voice again and feeling the anticipation to see what your new voice “sounds” like. I KNOW your journey is going to take you incredible places. xo

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:03 pm

Thank you, my friend. We are both on big journeys! Both with similar obstacles to overcome. Cheers to be travel buddies! xo

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Michelle May 1, 2013 at 4:49 am

A butterfly is within a cocoon before it emerges, unfurls its beautiful wings >|<

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:02 pm

Yes, they rarely romanticize the part where you go hide yourself, melt and come apart, before coming back together into something new and transformed. :) But you don’t get to the end without the squishy inbetween! :) xo Thanks for being here with me, Chel! xo

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Lazarus May 1, 2013 at 12:58 pm

Wonderful to see you opening up the space to write again and looking forward to reading what comes out. I know it will be eloquent and powerful. You are strong my friend and it’s a joy to behold. Whatever changes have occurred will undoubtedly blossom much like the cherry trees in my back yard. Can’t wait to see it.
xo

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:00 pm

Thanks, Laz! It felt good to open this space back up again. Cheers to all of us blossoming!!!! xo

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Mic May 1, 2013 at 1:11 pm

Beautifully written. Whatever you write will be always be open, honest and true. This is the feeling I had when I read your words. It’s true because all of us at one point or another feel the the need not to share everything with the world – I feel that everyday. This makes you a credible human being. Thanks for writing again.

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:16 pm

Thank you, Mic! I remember a very dark time in my old life, making a decision in moving forward that at the very least my life from that point forward would be HONEST. I couldn’t guarantee myself a happy life, per se … but I am in complete control of whether I walk through this world honestly. Honest with myself most of all. I try to stay tethered to being true above all other things. Thank you SO much for commenting here. I smiled so big when I saw your face pop up here. xo!!

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Sue Ann Gleason May 1, 2013 at 1:13 pm

The next chapter, yes. I love it that you gave yourself permission to step away from the blog and toward yourself. It gives me permission to do the same. It also tells me I don’t have to apologize for being gone awhile, restoring and rejuvenating. For me, that’s where the magic happens.

“… opening the doors and windows
and letting fresh breezes blow new air inside.”

I think I’ll join you there. I have been doing much of the same, closing old doors, opening up new chapters, claiming my space in the world and acknowledging my gifts despite my fears so that they can be fully expressed. Without apology. The powering down has given me the fortitude to power back up, albeit a little differently.

Welcome back.

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 1:20 pm

Hello, Sue Ann!!

Yes, the “without apology” part is important. I felt really bad and ashamed about not writing for so long. I started to worry that perhaps I’m not a writer. That I’d lost “it” somehow. But then I realized that I was writing still, just privately … to #Roo. And I that was a beautiful writing practice all on its own. And that sometimes we have to live life a bit in order to have anything worth writing about. Wisdom doesn’t come from commenting , it comes from reflecting … and we have to let a little air breathe in between our experiences before we can truly see them.

That said, I’m so glad to have my words back. Now … let’s see if they continue to flow! lol xoxo I’m so glad to see you here, my friend. And to know you are claiming your own space.

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Kim Bultman | a little lunch May 1, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Cris, you’ve definitely built a bridge! This is a post I’ll be re-reading any time I start to doubt myself or my words. Can’t thank you enough. And welcome back!

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Cris Gladly May 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Kim, thank you for this wonderful comment. You just absolutely made my day. :) Thanks for such a warm welcome back! xo Keep writing!!!! :)

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Elsie Escobar May 2, 2013 at 1:29 pm

YOU=Awesome. Yep. Been there. Done that. You captured so much in your words. I understood it to my core. That pulsation is what life is, and if we don’t step into it as fully as you did we end up disrupting our hearts.

I for one am also stepping out into the world again. This time more fully myself and on my own terms.

Thank you Cris. So glad you are back! Looking forward to more :D

xoxoxoxoxo

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Cris Gladly May 2, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Hi there, Elsie. You = awesome, as well! Thanks for commenting here. And yes, I agree, it is a pulsation of life. There is an ebb and flow that occurs if we let it. Thank you for welcoming me back. I am very happy to be back! xoxoxo

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Liz May 12, 2013 at 2:17 am

Your words and thoughts are so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Tears are streaming down my face for the realization that I am indeed a writer even if my pen has been quiet of late. My next words have simply been waiting for me to grow into them. Thank you!

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Cris Gladly May 12, 2013 at 4:05 pm

Hi, Liz. Welcome to Gladly Beyond. I so appreciate your comment. And I’M beyond glad to hear that you are feeling pulled to your writing again. Hooray! Even if they are only ever seen by us, our words deserve their space in the world. Cheers to waking your pen back up! :) Hope you’ll come back and visit us here again. :) Have a beautiful day.

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Its_Lily May 12, 2013 at 7:17 pm

I discovered you just before you disappeared. That’s okay, I get the need for time to explore what’s inside and the need to keep secrets until you figure out what you have to say. I disappeared on my blog for a bit as well in my life. I stepped into me and the break was wonderful. So refreshing and gratifying.

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Cris Gladly May 12, 2013 at 8:22 pm

Hi Lily. It seems so many people went through a hibernation period of their own over the last 6 months or so. Something in the air or stars perhaps. Feels good to be back in the world again. Hope all is likewise so on your blog. :) Thanks for commenting here.

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